Pas de Bonne Fire

Have you ever walked into a situation only to find that you have inadvertently put yourself in the most awkward of social situations, and all commencing awkwardness is entirely your own fault because YOU put yourself there without realizing how awkward it would be? I have just returned home from such an event.

After ditching original plans to go out dancing tonight, in lieu of driving up Eagle Mountain to watch the Independence Day fireworks, a seemingly pleasant wrench was thrown into my plan, when an old friend called me up and invited me to a bonfire with an even older group of friends. I was stoked really, on the idea of seeing friends I hadn't spoken to in a few months, some maybe years, so we trekked up to the house on the mountain and met up with the first few bonfire attendees.

I'd like to take this opportunity to review something I wrote in my first entry, regarding how I have somehow repressed the last little bit of high school. I have no memory of my high school relationship with L, my best memories of summers spent with B, Li, A, J etc... I do not have concrete memories of anything from that time, but I DO sometimes remember the feeling of awkwardness, pain, anger and sadness - though only when it's provoked by something that triggers those emotions.

What better to trigger those emotions than ALL of those individuals from my high school group of friends SHOWING UP at this bonfire. How I did not see it coming, I don't even know. Obviously they're all still friends, it was *ME* who was excommunicated from the group. All I know is from the moment the first car showed up, I was drawn to the looks on peoples' faces when they got out of the car, scanned the crowd, saw me, and proceeded to make a variety of pained expressions. Disappointment. Confusion. Surprise. Disgust. You name it, someone probably looked it. I tried to make jokes with a few people, talk about how stoked I am to be leaving in 2 days but eugh, seriously I've never felt so alienated by a group of people. It was like I was 5 years old and that girl from your class who you don't really like, but your mom says you HAVE to invite her to your birthday party/give her a valentine so she doesn't feel like the ONLY girl not included. And that feeling isn't cool when you're almost 22, and being treated that way by other people your age (and up to 3 years older... seriously...).

Again, it really was my own fault for not thinking the situation through beforehand. I obviously should have known that this party, thrown by someone who is still an active member of THE group of friends, would clearly attract other such members of said group of friends. It's sad that after all this time, things still haven't changed and people are still hostile. My ex-boyfriend was more civil to me tonight than some of the other people I ran into! Eff... Honestly, I'm not too upset that I am conveniently running away to another country in 2 days. I wouldn't mind forgetting that this night ever happened. Happy Independence Day.