On the positive side...

Tonight I realized how much my friends truly mean to me. In 24 hours, I've gone from feeling alone and scared, to understanding that while I seldom take the time to see it, I have a network of friends who care about me, and sincerely are there for me no matter what. I'm not used to it - it's always been me, standing by people in their time of need, giving advice, assuring them that I care and that I'll do anything to try to help them. But this time it was me in the helpless seat. When 2am last night found me scrolling through my cell phone trying to remember a hugely ridiculous phone number (did you know Australian numbers take 14 button pushes to dial?), I passed by several names which for a moment, I hesitated on, wondering if I should call them for a quick *local* fix of sanity. But no, I kept thinking to myself "it's 2am. nobody wants to hear from me at 2am, no matter how upset I am..." and for that reason (plus obvious others) I called Australia. It was 7pm, no inconvenience to him.

It wasn't until today, after a random goofy phone call from my best friend, an evening of drinks with 3 close girl friends, and an extended parking lot party with one of the three girls in particular, that it finally occurred to me that I DO have people who are here for me. Maybe not to tell me what I should do. Maybe not to tell me how to cope with the things in my life that I in fact have zero control over - but definitely with whom to relate, to talk it out with, to cry with and to lean on while I dish my confusions, worries, fears and overly analytical thoughts. I guess I've become so used to being friends with guys, being the flirty girl of the group forgetting what it's like to be friends with girls. Forgetting how girls help each other deal with each other's problems. Sitting in two lawn chairs under a light at the movie theatre tonight with one of my great girl friends, listening to music and talking about the goings on in our family lives as of late - for once I didn't feel bad about telling someone what was going on; I didn't regret pouring my heart out and crying about things that were hurting me. She told me about her family's dark past, I told her about my family's dark present, and at the end of the conversation we both got this funny look on our faces. She said "it's weird... right now I'd usually be apologizing for dumping all my sad stories on you...." and that was exactly what I was thinking. So often, I'm the one who sits and listens, so when I say something, anything that puts the attention on myself, I *always* apologize afterwards. Whether it's over the phone, in person or even in an email message (all of which I've done today...) I am the first to apologize for venting, dishing or generally complaining that things aren't peachy keen in my neck of the woods.

I think the point of my story is that until now, I don't think I really knew how strong my friendships are with this group of girls. Like I said, maybe it's because with guys, there's no unspoken bond, they have always told me like it is "Amy, you're hot, but I feel cool telling you stuff too. You're actually a pretty rad friend." With girls, it's all unspoken. I feel like a teenage boy, figuring girls out for the first time :P Don't get me wrong, I love my guy friends, I wouldn't trade any of them for anything, but I'm excited about these girls. These 4 amazing girls who I now know I can count on any time, day or night :)

M+J+C+A
I pretty much love you girls like sisters.
And I know I can call on you 24/7.
Plus, it's 4 less numbers to dial, and I don't pay long distance.
Awesome.

Poison

I can't take it. How can you knowingly hurt someone who has alway treated you like a QUEEN? You don't deserve him. You never HAVE deserved him. You vile child. You used him to keep you safe from that which haunted you, and have now turned the tables and are treating him the very way you have been treated all your life. You've taken him from me. I will never forgive you. You have abused him, used him, lied to him and knowingly done things that would hurt him, rubbing them in his face until his face disappeared. He's not the same person. He's a shell of who he used to be. And it's because of you. You. You've turned everyone against him. But have you? I don't think you have - your influence means so little to so many. What you have done, is convinced him that he is alone. He has no one. Not even his own family could love him for being so pathetic. How could you ruin someone like that? How could you tell someone so many horrible things? Especially HIM. You don't realize it. You don't see what you're doing. It will come back to you one day and you will see the hurt you have caused others. It doesn't stop at him. He has a family. He has ME. I have been SO hurt by your actions, your words, the unsaid things that you have done to hurt my family. If anything ever happens, if IT happens again, you know in your heart that it is because of you, and what you have done. What you have said. You have destroyed him and it is not going to go away. I hope you grow up. You need to. The path of destruction and pain, and brokenness in your wake is not fair to anyone, and the fact that you intentionally continue your ways... I just can't take it.

It's Not Procrastinating if it Clears Your Mind

Of all the things I should be doing right now, being here, not thinking about school is NOT one of them. I had this weird moment last night that made me feel completely separated from myself. I went to a local metal show, not so much for all the music, but to support D's band. I mean, don't get me wrong, the music was rad and I had a really good time but I found myself standing alone wondering about things. I saw D, he saw me, he was wearing the shirt I bought him that he always wears to shows, which makes me happy, but aside from a wave and an initial hug, he was off with his own friends. A group of people I've seen before, but have never really met or spoken to. There were only a few girls in the group but I felt like I'd been replaced, you know? It's stupid, I know; he's still my best friend, but I hung out with J the whole night (not druggie J from my previous entry, this is asshole J...)... and even THAT was lame because he did what he always does. I'm getting kind of tired of it. This guy, he's so nice to me and we have epic conversations about really deep stuff. I'd even go so far as to say we have a *gasp* deep emotional connection, BUT as soon as we're in public, he treats me like dirt. Not because he's ashamed of me, but because he's a rough tough dude who's not supposed to display his feelings, and so much as hugging me or smiling at me would ruin his life. It's just hard when I get so excited to see people and then I get shot down.

Speaking of being shot down. Preteen tonight was hilarious. Mr. E made an appearance which caused laughs and G was wonderful as always... He's so cute and awkward and reading this right now. I hope he knows about the huge crush I have on him, and will humor me by returning the flirting, indulging me, despite the cloud over us that always seems to be screaming "IT'LL TOTALLY NEVER HAPPEN!!!!!" I know. And I'm fine with it. It's just fun =)

I'm getting excited to leave. Like, really excited. And then not so excited, but still pretty excited. In 25 days I'll be getting on a plane and killing 21 hours of time before getting off a plane, on a different day, in a different country. I don't know what I'm going to do for the huge amount of alone time. Magazines and my ipod will probably be my heroes. I really hope E and B are as excited for my holiday as I am. I've been feeling the last little while like the "magic" is fading. I guess kind of like out of sight, out of mind, but I haven't seen B in 4 months and it sucks. Don't ever fall for someone on the other side of the world. It's really hard. And people think you're crazy and tell you so quite often. Maybe that's it. Everyone's been so down on me lately about how crazy I am to be taking such an emotionally driven vacation. Like it's a BAD thing that my feelings for a guy have driven me to finally balls up and take this trip I've been wanting to take since I was 10 years old. I think I'm scared that it's just been so cutesy thus far, and once B and I actually spend three weeks together, with JUST each other, one on one, every day... we'll totally hate each other. Like I'm scared to come back a statistical n00b, in love, engaged, whatever, but I think I'm MORE scared to come home and be like "Oh, yeah it was a great time, but B and I didn't get along as well as we thought we would. Yeah. No dice." It would be SO disappointing. But I'm also a girl and I over analyze things WAY too effing much.

The real point of the story is that I can't go on vacation, flirt with the cute awkward boy OR worry about my best friend.... UNTIL I am finished this obscene amount of homework in front of me! And that's all I have to say <3

Bonjour World, how's tricks?

And it starts. Well, again I guess. As far as I know, my high school blogs have deleted themselves or wandered into some sort of e-oblivion never to be seen again. Probably for the best, eh? Oh high school and all that crazy drama. It keeps coming back to me in snippets here and there, especially when I see certain people. Oh, if you're just tuning in now, my name is Amy and I'm totally badass and chill, partially due to the fact that I had an incredibly drama-filled high school experience, part of which I have repressed, along with the six months following graduation. I'm not even kidding. March 2004 - February 2005 is a ginormous gap of quasi-memories and fog. Good times, I know. To spare you the ugly details, there was a super group of friends who all inter-dated, it was ridiculous, I had a rad boyfriend but it didn't work out and when I broke up with him I essentially broke up with the entire group. The dramatic effect of losing my core group of support and friendship was apparently so hard on me, that I unconsciously repressed my WHOLE time with that group and to this day can not recall more than general "watching movies all the time" and "hanging out at 7-11" memories.

Things have only improved since then. I met a boy. His name starts with a D. Take a guess. He and I dated for 2 years and it was pretty crazy. Our relationship failed twice but to this day, this dude is my best friend. Nothing is ever going to change that, and yes, you should be jealous. Aside from the general awesomeness of that relationship, THE most awesome thing D ever did, was get me into metal. This is neither the time nor place for "The Dragonforce Saga" though I'm sure that one bored evening, it shall appear, like a ship on the foggy horizon, on the seas of my blog. Without divulging the whole painful story, I'll just say that power metal music has brought me to so many different people in so many different places. I have changed as a person. I can't say I owe my life, my friends, my artistic tastes ALL to metal, but it's rather convenient that this huge web of connections started when I heard my first Dragonforce song. But alas, things change. Again, without divulging any details that will no doubt be mentioned in my epic, the plates have shifted yet again and I am left making more decisions after being abandoned by my former best friend. As I always remark when I'm broken and in the worst mood ever, God has a way of giving you exactly who you need, when you need them most. And unfortunately, being that He does happen to know everything, He also knows when to remove the poisons from your life. Yes, it does feel pretty horrible calling J a poison, but I mean really, the last time I saw her, she was on the verge of an overdose and that's not the type of person I want to proudly stand beside. At least not when I have offered help, been declined and later on been written about and told off (for not helping enough?!) in a public blog. Maybe. It was so vague I still don't know if it was about me. I can only assume, since all of my messages to her are still showing up as 'unread' and I know she's been on myspace a thousand times since she posted her blog... BUT I digress...

It's 1:30am and I'm really in no mood to keep writing about myself. I'll make up for it soon, post an outrageously long myspace survey or something to catch you up on all the goods. I promise that following all the lame introduction stuff I always feel obligated to write about, I'll get to some good juicy inner workings of my self. Expect hilarious work stories, confusing religious self disclosures, frustrations over social issues, concert reviews, and BOY PROBLEMS! I'm a girl, I can't own and operate a blog without the occasional rant about pining for a boy in Australia, hating on the quasi-ex-boyfriend-cop, or the huge girly crush on the cute boy who's entirely out of my league... that kinda junk. That'd be about all for tonight then. Peace out, gangsters <3