Of all the things I should be doing right now, being here, not thinking about school is NOT one of them. I had this weird moment last night that made me feel completely separated from myself. I went to a local metal show, not so much for all the music, but to support D's band. I mean, don't get me wrong, the music was rad and I had a really good time but I found myself standing alone wondering about things. I saw D, he saw me, he was wearing the shirt I bought him that he always wears to shows, which makes me happy, but aside from a wave and an initial hug, he was off with his own friends. A group of people I've seen before, but have never really met or spoken to. There were only a few girls in the group but I felt like I'd been replaced, you know? It's stupid, I know; he's still my best friend, but I hung out with J the whole night (not druggie J from my previous entry, this is asshole J...)... and even THAT was lame because he did what he always does. I'm getting kind of tired of it. This guy, he's so nice to me and we have epic conversations about really deep stuff. I'd even go so far as to say we have a *gasp* deep emotional connection, BUT as soon as we're in public, he treats me like dirt. Not because he's ashamed of me, but because he's a rough tough dude who's not supposed to display his feelings, and so much as hugging me or smiling at me would ruin his life. It's just hard when I get so excited to see people and then I get shot down.
Speaking of being shot down. Preteen tonight was hilarious. Mr. E made an appearance which caused laughs and G was wonderful as always... He's so cute and awkward and reading this right now. I hope he knows about the huge crush I have on him, and will humor me by returning the flirting, indulging me, despite the cloud over us that always seems to be screaming "IT'LL TOTALLY NEVER HAPPEN!!!!!" I know. And I'm fine with it. It's just fun =)
I'm getting excited to leave. Like, really excited. And then not so excited, but still pretty excited. In 25 days I'll be getting on a plane and killing 21 hours of time before getting off a plane, on a different day, in a different country. I don't know what I'm going to do for the huge amount of alone time. Magazines and my ipod will probably be my heroes. I really hope E and B are as excited for my holiday as I am. I've been feeling the last little while like the "magic" is fading. I guess kind of like out of sight, out of mind, but I haven't seen B in 4 months and it sucks. Don't ever fall for someone on the other side of the world. It's really hard. And people think you're crazy and tell you so quite often. Maybe that's it. Everyone's been so down on me lately about how crazy I am to be taking such an emotionally driven vacation. Like it's a BAD thing that my feelings for a guy have driven me to finally balls up and take this trip I've been wanting to take since I was 10 years old. I think I'm scared that it's just been so cutesy thus far, and once B and I actually spend three weeks together, with JUST each other, one on one, every day... we'll totally hate each other. Like I'm scared to come back a statistical n00b, in love, engaged, whatever, but I think I'm MORE scared to come home and be like "Oh, yeah it was a great time, but B and I didn't get along as well as we thought we would. Yeah. No dice." It would be SO disappointing. But I'm also a girl and I over analyze things WAY too effing much.
The real point of the story is that I can't go on vacation, flirt with the cute awkward boy OR worry about my best friend.... UNTIL I am finished this obscene amount of homework in front of me! And that's all I have to say <3
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