As a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, I am at a crossroads. Over the last bunch of years people and events have been placed in my life and led me in different directions. When I was 17 a group of guys was suddenly brought into my home, over a hockey game, and by the end of the game I had agreed to attend my first church service. This group of dudes became my church support group, despite the opinions of church members... eugh... When I was 19, I met a girl who I felt a deep connection with and we began a friendship. Ironically enough, we soon discovered that each of our parents' marriages had ended because one parent cheated on the other... with the other friend's parent. My dad. Her mom. The reason for our parents' failed marriages. Somehow we ended up finding comfort in this and while we are not close any more, discovering that the offspring of "he/she who split up my parents" was a likable person made it a bit easier to get over. Everything happens for a reason. Until it doesn't work in your favor.
Since returning home, I've been jet lagged, depressed, heartbroken and yadda, yadda, yadda... B has constantly said that I happened into his life for a reason, and he into mine, and it's worth pursuing. Again, yadda, yadda, yadda. However, I am SO unprepared to do anything about this, I am starting to wonder if this particular "thing" is happening for the reason of a) getting it through my thick skull that this is not meant to work out, of that b) it's a challenge! And I must overcome the challenge to get what I want! To prove that I deserve it!
The goal: I want to apply to Griffith University's Human Services Specializing in Children and Youth program and start with the school year this coming March. This would involve moving to Australia. Flying there. Bringing my stuff. Moving in with B, A and the other A.
The struggles: Where to start. The huge issue is money. I have enough saved to pay for tuition for my 3 year program that I want to apply for. However, I have ZERO money to pay for my flight, rent, groceries, my credit card (racked up from the holiday I just took...) and don't even get me started on Christmas presents! Also, upon closer examination, the program I'm looking at appears to only give me license to practice in Queensland and New South Wales. So what if I want to travel, move to another state of Aus or.... omg! Come back to Canada at some point! There's a problem. Moving on. Just talked to B. A1 is moving out in 3 weeks. A2 is considering moving out with the gf before March. This would mean that B would have to either move home (not the best digs for keeping an international visitor around...especially one of the opposite gender...) or buy himself a new pad. Which really, is putting someone out for just needing a place to store an overseas girlfriend. I don't know if I like being a "special circumstance." I am SO in favor of all this happening, I just don't know how to make it work. I need a better paying job, I need less disgusting spending habits, I need to decide all of this NOW! I am registered for school at UFV in the fall and if this is all going to happen, I am giving up my seats in those 5 classes in lieu of working full time. I'm also considering selling all of my excessive clothes, the stuff I never wear and bought for fun, all my accessories, the treasures I have tucked away in my room because I'm a pack rat... seriously, craigslist here I come.
If everything happens for a reason, why is this huge decision-making part of my life so difficult? Am I supposed to give up? Everything is looking so complicated and scary and hopeless, maybe I should just give in. But I want it SO bad! Am I supposed to do everything in my power to prevail over almost certain failure? If someone was to tell me to give up on B, and that I'd find "the guy of my dreams right here under my nose" I'd probably slap them. I think that means I'm supposed to lean towards the 'fight the almost certain failure and try anyway' side.
This has been my rant.
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1 comment:
I would encourage you by saying this; just because things happen for a reason, it doesn't make the decision etheir more, or less difficult. The decision to go to church that first time was not made any more or less difficult by the circumstances that presented this. This decision may have been presented for a reason, but it may also be a very difficult, risky, and straight up freaky decision to make. (Two people may be meant to marry each other, but that decision was probally one of the hardest they ever made.)
I say this with hesitation, simply because you will be missed. I believe that if this is what you want, this is what you should do, (and I'm pretty sure this is what you want). Things will work out. You have a whole year to work and save, you could start looking for better paying jobs now, you could pick up another... don't worry about that little crap that can get so easily under your skin.
I hope that made sense.
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