One Hundred and Twelve

My readers have noticed that I have stopped writing, so to satisfy the masses (HI GREG!!), here is an update. I actually wrote something between my last entry and this one but it still seems so wrong of me to publish it for all to see. It's really more private. I've obviously had an issue lately with being approached by dudes, ironically now that I'm pretty much a taken lady. It will never cease to amaze me how you can be single for freaking ever and nobody pays a lick of notice, and suddenly you have a man to call your own and the clouds open and it starts raining men! Ridiculous. I've adopted a surrogate boyfriend who I am completely honest with about everything, so that he may tell me when I'm being a cow face and making bad decisions (because apparently I am not smart enough to make said decisions without help...). Anyway, the fight I had with B when I told him about these dudes hitting on me has convinced me that so much as raising my eyebrow at another guy is the worst thing I could possibly ever do, and I have far too much at risk right now to be doing something stupid like letting temptations screw me over. Other than that... work is going well. Turkey was good tonight. I move in 112 days... I'm getting nervous but in a good way. I have really nothing else to say, I was just worried about my blog being cancelled.... I'm done :)

One Hundred and Forty Four

...days til I officially leave for my new home :) The flight has been booked, I leave the great white north for the land down-under on February 1st. Now that it's official, I'm officially nervous. All these things to do! People to tell! Things to set up! The important thing is that in less than 5 months, I'll be in a country that I love, with a boy who I love, preparing to start school for a career I will love!!! And... I'll be trying real hard to stop missing all the people I love who aren't coming with me. Ah well , dear friends - if you ever needed an excuse to visit a tropical paradise, here it is!

1 down.
143 to go...

Dear Ditchy Ditchersons....

So I've got one blog written about how amazing friends can be, so I am now going to balance out the scale and write a blog about how disappointing friends can be. I suppose maybe I spoke too soon, of how excited I was to be surrounded by people who loved, supported and befriended me by choice. I think now it was maybe more the case of convenience and location.

Prior to the summer, I saw these people weekly, daily, often because of work schedules which then led to hanging out after hours. Good times were had, connections were established and I felt I was a, dare I say, important person in these individuals' lives. It would then be safe to assume that upon returning from my trip, these people would have made some sort of effort to either attend certain coming home party events, hang out when invited, or *gasp* call and make plans of their own! I have been bailed on in the last three weeks by "a few" certain people, MORE than I think I was ever bailed on by M when we were quasi-dating. Okay, that's a stretch. M ditched me more than I'll ever be ditched by anyone else in my entire life, but this is a close second to that! Not returning phone calls, responding to emails/messages/facebook comments, and almost pissing me off the most - agreeing to make plans and then either not being available when they say they will be, or, confirming plans and texting me 10 minutes before they're to arrive at my house, saying they don't feel like it any more.

It doesn't help that two particular individuals nearly cost me my job when I came home from my trip. They had every ability to clear my name, but were too selfish, and would rather slink back into the shadows to avoid getting caught (which they did anyway, finally), but in the mean time, while I was taking the heat from security people at work, these "friends" did nothing but fuel the fire. Identifying my handwriting (supposedly), and claiming to be "covering for a friend in the store..." What kind of "friend" does that? Anyway... it's a done deal now.

It's not just a specific person or two, I'm realizing that several people I thought were closer to me, really aren't close at all. Whether they were and faded away, or never were but I was blind to it, I don't really know. I just think it's a shame how quickly seemingly tight connections and bonds can deteriorate. It's not that hard. If you want to hang out, hang out. If you want to talk over coffee or the phone, do it! But don't lead your friends on. If you want nothing to do with them, be honest, don't be a jerk. /bitterness

asdfghjkl....

*NOTE*TO*BOYS*

If you at any point feel it necessary to begin a story with "Aw sweetie, I have the most 'hilarious' story for you - and I know YOU won't get mad - YOU'LL think it's funny"..... it is probably not in your best interest to tell the story at all. She will not think it's funny. And she will get mad. She might not tell you, but hoo boy, she'll be mad...

A Wee Note on Current Frustrations

In regards to my epic adventure of applying to a school on the other side of the planet, I am getting very frustrated at how difficult it has been to get in touch with an actual person. I have sent email after email requesting a personal student adviser, a pen pal, a phone meeting, WHATEVER, I don't even care, just *someone* to ask my questions to, to find out if I'm even on the right track to getting my application submitted. Seriously, the documents I have to get from my current university are so ridiculous, I can't imagine I fall into the category of student who needs to obtain them.

However, if I am mistaken, I have to have a meeting with my registrar, discuss my 3 previous years of education with him, show him a notarized copy of my transcript (yes, I have to pay the school to print off a certified copy and then get a notary to sign it... Hi Dad!) and then, once he realizes I can hold my own in a conversation, he gets me to write him a short letter asking him to vouch for my English skills. The registrar THEN has to write a letter to my new school stating that for the past 3 years I have learned all of my subject matter in English, and that I have a solid grasp on the English language, both written and spoken. Following THAT, I *STILL* have to sit an English proficiency exam. Now I can understand if I was born and raised in Japan and knew next to zero English, moving to a 100% English speaking school would be a challenge, and the school would deserve to know that I was coming, and would be enrolling in ESL classes and probably learning slightly slower in my regular program, but I AM AN ENGLISH NERD!!!!! I don't think I should have to do all this crazy stuff!!! My well-written emails, and ridiculously polite phone voice should let the school know that I know how to speak English, write English, learn in English AND be totally conceited about it!!!

I sincerely hope that this is not the case, and I only need to do a few of those things. Either way, it would be SO helpful to know these things NOW, rather than closer to the application deadline, which isn't til January, but obviously I want this all done as soon as possible so maybe I can nurse my sanity for a few months before I leave. And also work my tail off at my (soon to be) 3 jobs to save money and be able to contribute to the "Don't worry Amy, B will support you through everything" fund so I don't feel like a freeloader for a month or so, getting my feet on the ground and getting settled.

I can't believe it's actually happening. I thought to myself yesterday, geez, I've really gotta decide soon whether or not I'm going to school in September so I can save tuition money towards Australia. And then I realized... I just applied for a 3rd job, got re-promoted to full time at my 1st job, and have said openly that I'm available to work/volunteer on my off nights at my 2nd job. I already made the decision and didn't even realize it. I don't have time for school now. I am not going to school in the fall. I am officially going to Australia. Woooot!!!

And as an aside, the Perseid Meteor Shower the other night was awesome. There weren't as many visible meteors as I've seen in past years but the sky was lovely, it wasn't too cold and for the first time in a little while I got to sit back in my chair, alone with the night air and just think. I've been questioning a lot of things lately, between my self, my beliefs, and my morals, and I've realized, I'm pretty confused haha. I think I need to go up the mountain more like I used to, and sit under my tree at my park. I haven't done that all summer and that's ALL I did last summer. It's a nice day today, maybe if it's nice tonight I'll head up and chill on a swing. It's amazing how much clarity exists when you're alone with your thoughts. Peace out.

Everything Happens for a Reason

As a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, I am at a crossroads. Over the last bunch of years people and events have been placed in my life and led me in different directions. When I was 17 a group of guys was suddenly brought into my home, over a hockey game, and by the end of the game I had agreed to attend my first church service. This group of dudes became my church support group, despite the opinions of church members... eugh... When I was 19, I met a girl who I felt a deep connection with and we began a friendship. Ironically enough, we soon discovered that each of our parents' marriages had ended because one parent cheated on the other... with the other friend's parent. My dad. Her mom. The reason for our parents' failed marriages. Somehow we ended up finding comfort in this and while we are not close any more, discovering that the offspring of "he/she who split up my parents" was a likable person made it a bit easier to get over. Everything happens for a reason. Until it doesn't work in your favor.

Since returning home, I've been jet lagged, depressed, heartbroken and yadda, yadda, yadda... B has constantly said that I happened into his life for a reason, and he into mine, and it's worth pursuing. Again, yadda, yadda, yadda. However, I am SO unprepared to do anything about this, I am starting to wonder if this particular "thing" is happening for the reason of a) getting it through my thick skull that this is not meant to work out, of that b) it's a challenge! And I must overcome the challenge to get what I want! To prove that I deserve it!

The goal: I want to apply to Griffith University's Human Services Specializing in Children and Youth program and start with the school year this coming March. This would involve moving to Australia. Flying there. Bringing my stuff. Moving in with B, A and the other A.

The struggles: Where to start. The huge issue is money. I have enough saved to pay for tuition for my 3 year program that I want to apply for. However, I have ZERO money to pay for my flight, rent, groceries, my credit card (racked up from the holiday I just took...) and don't even get me started on Christmas presents! Also, upon closer examination, the program I'm looking at appears to only give me license to practice in Queensland and New South Wales. So what if I want to travel, move to another state of Aus or.... omg! Come back to Canada at some point! There's a problem. Moving on. Just talked to B. A1 is moving out in 3 weeks. A2 is considering moving out with the gf before March. This would mean that B would have to either move home (not the best digs for keeping an international visitor around...especially one of the opposite gender...) or buy himself a new pad. Which really, is putting someone out for just needing a place to store an overseas girlfriend. I don't know if I like being a "special circumstance." I am SO in favor of all this happening, I just don't know how to make it work. I need a better paying job, I need less disgusting spending habits, I need to decide all of this NOW! I am registered for school at UFV in the fall and if this is all going to happen, I am giving up my seats in those 5 classes in lieu of working full time. I'm also considering selling all of my excessive clothes, the stuff I never wear and bought for fun, all my accessories, the treasures I have tucked away in my room because I'm a pack rat... seriously, craigslist here I come.

If everything happens for a reason, why is this huge decision-making part of my life so difficult? Am I supposed to give up? Everything is looking so complicated and scary and hopeless, maybe I should just give in. But I want it SO bad! Am I supposed to do everything in my power to prevail over almost certain failure? If someone was to tell me to give up on B, and that I'd find "the guy of my dreams right here under my nose" I'd probably slap them. I think that means I'm supposed to lean towards the 'fight the almost certain failure and try anyway' side.

This has been my rant.

"Throw a Prawn on the Grill" and Other Aussieisms...

Can it be true? Am I seriously leaving the day after tomorrow? It is true. And it sucks. For the last few weeks I've felt like this new way of life was real and normal, now only to realize that it has been indeed, a vacation, and in 2 days I return to the other side of the world. I'm so full of confused and jumbled thoughts right now. I feel like it's a dream that when I wake up Thursday morning, I'll be waking up in B's bed, him beside me (probably snoring... eugh...), ready for another random day of adventures, or of being lazy. But nope, I'll be in my bed. At my house. In Canada. As far as I could possibly be from the life that for a few short weeks has made so much sense, and would continue to make sense, so long as I could stay a few more weeks. A took me to Griffith today. I got a book of courses and an application. I feel like I'm back at square one as far as this whole education thing goes. What do I do? It would be SUCH a gamble to drop everything at home and move over here to pursue this program (regardless of how awesome it actually looks...) and I can't decide whether or not it's worth it. It's almost as though I am looking for reasons to say no. B snores. He parties a lot. That's... all I can think of right now... Everything else I thought was a negative thing has grown on me and I love all his cute little imperfections. Obviously spending three weeks absolutely together,  24/7 we've had our grumpy spats, but what couple wouldn't, spending that much time together. I just don't know if I could do it. Move here, commit to school, pay the ridiculous $60,000 upfront for the courses... it's just such a huge decision to make, based on a 3 week vacation. I love how I'm here, blogging, when I should be re-packing all my stuff. Like I said, the thoughts are totally jumbled. Hopefully they'll make more sense before the Griffith application deadline... eugh... Peace Out Homies.

Pas de Bonne Fire

Have you ever walked into a situation only to find that you have inadvertently put yourself in the most awkward of social situations, and all commencing awkwardness is entirely your own fault because YOU put yourself there without realizing how awkward it would be? I have just returned home from such an event.

After ditching original plans to go out dancing tonight, in lieu of driving up Eagle Mountain to watch the Independence Day fireworks, a seemingly pleasant wrench was thrown into my plan, when an old friend called me up and invited me to a bonfire with an even older group of friends. I was stoked really, on the idea of seeing friends I hadn't spoken to in a few months, some maybe years, so we trekked up to the house on the mountain and met up with the first few bonfire attendees.

I'd like to take this opportunity to review something I wrote in my first entry, regarding how I have somehow repressed the last little bit of high school. I have no memory of my high school relationship with L, my best memories of summers spent with B, Li, A, J etc... I do not have concrete memories of anything from that time, but I DO sometimes remember the feeling of awkwardness, pain, anger and sadness - though only when it's provoked by something that triggers those emotions.

What better to trigger those emotions than ALL of those individuals from my high school group of friends SHOWING UP at this bonfire. How I did not see it coming, I don't even know. Obviously they're all still friends, it was *ME* who was excommunicated from the group. All I know is from the moment the first car showed up, I was drawn to the looks on peoples' faces when they got out of the car, scanned the crowd, saw me, and proceeded to make a variety of pained expressions. Disappointment. Confusion. Surprise. Disgust. You name it, someone probably looked it. I tried to make jokes with a few people, talk about how stoked I am to be leaving in 2 days but eugh, seriously I've never felt so alienated by a group of people. It was like I was 5 years old and that girl from your class who you don't really like, but your mom says you HAVE to invite her to your birthday party/give her a valentine so she doesn't feel like the ONLY girl not included. And that feeling isn't cool when you're almost 22, and being treated that way by other people your age (and up to 3 years older... seriously...).

Again, it really was my own fault for not thinking the situation through beforehand. I obviously should have known that this party, thrown by someone who is still an active member of THE group of friends, would clearly attract other such members of said group of friends. It's sad that after all this time, things still haven't changed and people are still hostile. My ex-boyfriend was more civil to me tonight than some of the other people I ran into! Eff... Honestly, I'm not too upset that I am conveniently running away to another country in 2 days. I wouldn't mind forgetting that this night ever happened. Happy Independence Day.

On the positive side...

Tonight I realized how much my friends truly mean to me. In 24 hours, I've gone from feeling alone and scared, to understanding that while I seldom take the time to see it, I have a network of friends who care about me, and sincerely are there for me no matter what. I'm not used to it - it's always been me, standing by people in their time of need, giving advice, assuring them that I care and that I'll do anything to try to help them. But this time it was me in the helpless seat. When 2am last night found me scrolling through my cell phone trying to remember a hugely ridiculous phone number (did you know Australian numbers take 14 button pushes to dial?), I passed by several names which for a moment, I hesitated on, wondering if I should call them for a quick *local* fix of sanity. But no, I kept thinking to myself "it's 2am. nobody wants to hear from me at 2am, no matter how upset I am..." and for that reason (plus obvious others) I called Australia. It was 7pm, no inconvenience to him.

It wasn't until today, after a random goofy phone call from my best friend, an evening of drinks with 3 close girl friends, and an extended parking lot party with one of the three girls in particular, that it finally occurred to me that I DO have people who are here for me. Maybe not to tell me what I should do. Maybe not to tell me how to cope with the things in my life that I in fact have zero control over - but definitely with whom to relate, to talk it out with, to cry with and to lean on while I dish my confusions, worries, fears and overly analytical thoughts. I guess I've become so used to being friends with guys, being the flirty girl of the group forgetting what it's like to be friends with girls. Forgetting how girls help each other deal with each other's problems. Sitting in two lawn chairs under a light at the movie theatre tonight with one of my great girl friends, listening to music and talking about the goings on in our family lives as of late - for once I didn't feel bad about telling someone what was going on; I didn't regret pouring my heart out and crying about things that were hurting me. She told me about her family's dark past, I told her about my family's dark present, and at the end of the conversation we both got this funny look on our faces. She said "it's weird... right now I'd usually be apologizing for dumping all my sad stories on you...." and that was exactly what I was thinking. So often, I'm the one who sits and listens, so when I say something, anything that puts the attention on myself, I *always* apologize afterwards. Whether it's over the phone, in person or even in an email message (all of which I've done today...) I am the first to apologize for venting, dishing or generally complaining that things aren't peachy keen in my neck of the woods.

I think the point of my story is that until now, I don't think I really knew how strong my friendships are with this group of girls. Like I said, maybe it's because with guys, there's no unspoken bond, they have always told me like it is "Amy, you're hot, but I feel cool telling you stuff too. You're actually a pretty rad friend." With girls, it's all unspoken. I feel like a teenage boy, figuring girls out for the first time :P Don't get me wrong, I love my guy friends, I wouldn't trade any of them for anything, but I'm excited about these girls. These 4 amazing girls who I now know I can count on any time, day or night :)

M+J+C+A
I pretty much love you girls like sisters.
And I know I can call on you 24/7.
Plus, it's 4 less numbers to dial, and I don't pay long distance.
Awesome.

Poison

I can't take it. How can you knowingly hurt someone who has alway treated you like a QUEEN? You don't deserve him. You never HAVE deserved him. You vile child. You used him to keep you safe from that which haunted you, and have now turned the tables and are treating him the very way you have been treated all your life. You've taken him from me. I will never forgive you. You have abused him, used him, lied to him and knowingly done things that would hurt him, rubbing them in his face until his face disappeared. He's not the same person. He's a shell of who he used to be. And it's because of you. You. You've turned everyone against him. But have you? I don't think you have - your influence means so little to so many. What you have done, is convinced him that he is alone. He has no one. Not even his own family could love him for being so pathetic. How could you ruin someone like that? How could you tell someone so many horrible things? Especially HIM. You don't realize it. You don't see what you're doing. It will come back to you one day and you will see the hurt you have caused others. It doesn't stop at him. He has a family. He has ME. I have been SO hurt by your actions, your words, the unsaid things that you have done to hurt my family. If anything ever happens, if IT happens again, you know in your heart that it is because of you, and what you have done. What you have said. You have destroyed him and it is not going to go away. I hope you grow up. You need to. The path of destruction and pain, and brokenness in your wake is not fair to anyone, and the fact that you intentionally continue your ways... I just can't take it.

It's Not Procrastinating if it Clears Your Mind

Of all the things I should be doing right now, being here, not thinking about school is NOT one of them. I had this weird moment last night that made me feel completely separated from myself. I went to a local metal show, not so much for all the music, but to support D's band. I mean, don't get me wrong, the music was rad and I had a really good time but I found myself standing alone wondering about things. I saw D, he saw me, he was wearing the shirt I bought him that he always wears to shows, which makes me happy, but aside from a wave and an initial hug, he was off with his own friends. A group of people I've seen before, but have never really met or spoken to. There were only a few girls in the group but I felt like I'd been replaced, you know? It's stupid, I know; he's still my best friend, but I hung out with J the whole night (not druggie J from my previous entry, this is asshole J...)... and even THAT was lame because he did what he always does. I'm getting kind of tired of it. This guy, he's so nice to me and we have epic conversations about really deep stuff. I'd even go so far as to say we have a *gasp* deep emotional connection, BUT as soon as we're in public, he treats me like dirt. Not because he's ashamed of me, but because he's a rough tough dude who's not supposed to display his feelings, and so much as hugging me or smiling at me would ruin his life. It's just hard when I get so excited to see people and then I get shot down.

Speaking of being shot down. Preteen tonight was hilarious. Mr. E made an appearance which caused laughs and G was wonderful as always... He's so cute and awkward and reading this right now. I hope he knows about the huge crush I have on him, and will humor me by returning the flirting, indulging me, despite the cloud over us that always seems to be screaming "IT'LL TOTALLY NEVER HAPPEN!!!!!" I know. And I'm fine with it. It's just fun =)

I'm getting excited to leave. Like, really excited. And then not so excited, but still pretty excited. In 25 days I'll be getting on a plane and killing 21 hours of time before getting off a plane, on a different day, in a different country. I don't know what I'm going to do for the huge amount of alone time. Magazines and my ipod will probably be my heroes. I really hope E and B are as excited for my holiday as I am. I've been feeling the last little while like the "magic" is fading. I guess kind of like out of sight, out of mind, but I haven't seen B in 4 months and it sucks. Don't ever fall for someone on the other side of the world. It's really hard. And people think you're crazy and tell you so quite often. Maybe that's it. Everyone's been so down on me lately about how crazy I am to be taking such an emotionally driven vacation. Like it's a BAD thing that my feelings for a guy have driven me to finally balls up and take this trip I've been wanting to take since I was 10 years old. I think I'm scared that it's just been so cutesy thus far, and once B and I actually spend three weeks together, with JUST each other, one on one, every day... we'll totally hate each other. Like I'm scared to come back a statistical n00b, in love, engaged, whatever, but I think I'm MORE scared to come home and be like "Oh, yeah it was a great time, but B and I didn't get along as well as we thought we would. Yeah. No dice." It would be SO disappointing. But I'm also a girl and I over analyze things WAY too effing much.

The real point of the story is that I can't go on vacation, flirt with the cute awkward boy OR worry about my best friend.... UNTIL I am finished this obscene amount of homework in front of me! And that's all I have to say <3

Bonjour World, how's tricks?

And it starts. Well, again I guess. As far as I know, my high school blogs have deleted themselves or wandered into some sort of e-oblivion never to be seen again. Probably for the best, eh? Oh high school and all that crazy drama. It keeps coming back to me in snippets here and there, especially when I see certain people. Oh, if you're just tuning in now, my name is Amy and I'm totally badass and chill, partially due to the fact that I had an incredibly drama-filled high school experience, part of which I have repressed, along with the six months following graduation. I'm not even kidding. March 2004 - February 2005 is a ginormous gap of quasi-memories and fog. Good times, I know. To spare you the ugly details, there was a super group of friends who all inter-dated, it was ridiculous, I had a rad boyfriend but it didn't work out and when I broke up with him I essentially broke up with the entire group. The dramatic effect of losing my core group of support and friendship was apparently so hard on me, that I unconsciously repressed my WHOLE time with that group and to this day can not recall more than general "watching movies all the time" and "hanging out at 7-11" memories.

Things have only improved since then. I met a boy. His name starts with a D. Take a guess. He and I dated for 2 years and it was pretty crazy. Our relationship failed twice but to this day, this dude is my best friend. Nothing is ever going to change that, and yes, you should be jealous. Aside from the general awesomeness of that relationship, THE most awesome thing D ever did, was get me into metal. This is neither the time nor place for "The Dragonforce Saga" though I'm sure that one bored evening, it shall appear, like a ship on the foggy horizon, on the seas of my blog. Without divulging the whole painful story, I'll just say that power metal music has brought me to so many different people in so many different places. I have changed as a person. I can't say I owe my life, my friends, my artistic tastes ALL to metal, but it's rather convenient that this huge web of connections started when I heard my first Dragonforce song. But alas, things change. Again, without divulging any details that will no doubt be mentioned in my epic, the plates have shifted yet again and I am left making more decisions after being abandoned by my former best friend. As I always remark when I'm broken and in the worst mood ever, God has a way of giving you exactly who you need, when you need them most. And unfortunately, being that He does happen to know everything, He also knows when to remove the poisons from your life. Yes, it does feel pretty horrible calling J a poison, but I mean really, the last time I saw her, she was on the verge of an overdose and that's not the type of person I want to proudly stand beside. At least not when I have offered help, been declined and later on been written about and told off (for not helping enough?!) in a public blog. Maybe. It was so vague I still don't know if it was about me. I can only assume, since all of my messages to her are still showing up as 'unread' and I know she's been on myspace a thousand times since she posted her blog... BUT I digress...

It's 1:30am and I'm really in no mood to keep writing about myself. I'll make up for it soon, post an outrageously long myspace survey or something to catch you up on all the goods. I promise that following all the lame introduction stuff I always feel obligated to write about, I'll get to some good juicy inner workings of my self. Expect hilarious work stories, confusing religious self disclosures, frustrations over social issues, concert reviews, and BOY PROBLEMS! I'm a girl, I can't own and operate a blog without the occasional rant about pining for a boy in Australia, hating on the quasi-ex-boyfriend-cop, or the huge girly crush on the cute boy who's entirely out of my league... that kinda junk. That'd be about all for tonight then. Peace out, gangsters <3